I’ve had a blue journal since 2003 in which I occasionally perform a brain dump of thoughts, whenever I feel like. These thoughts vary from silly ones at age eleven about the girl I supposedly had a crush on, to angsty ones at age 18 about how frustrated I am that my boyfriend is living halfway across the globe. Occasionally, however, a burst of inspiration will hit me out of nowhere, and the innocent writer from the past says things so profound that they influence and realign the me I am today. This was one such post:
Wednesday. May 18, 2011 (Age 18)
I woke up at around 10:30am today and listened to the copy of Born This Way that [name redacted] shared with me on Facebook at work yesterday. After a quick surf on ONTD, I found a new online YouTube interview with Lady Gaga on the subject of her new album. It got me thinking about why it is that I find her so interesting. I like that she worked hard to gain a worldly voice and then came up with a statement to spread, which was the equality of all humans.
This got me thinking about a revelationary[sic] day with [my high school career councillor]. She asked me what I ultimately wanted to do with my life and after some thinking I told her something I had never told anyone before: that eventually I wanted to develop a message, that I wasn’t sure yet what that message was going to be, just that one day I would develop one, and when I knew what it was, I’d want to spread it through my art; through my storytelling.
This, today, hit me as similar to what Gaga had done, and was a part of why I found her fascinating. I also found that I loved her artistic statements. She makes her whole life appear to be a string of artistic statements, which she explains further through the her songs, performances and music videos. Her exquisitely elaborate vocabulary makes it seem like she paints her thoughts as she explains them, it beautifies the ideas and is something I really admire, and a skill I really want to be able to replicate. Especially seeing as I feel my life is rooted in the fact that I’d like to be known as a storyteller.
This got me to thinking about what Dad told me about education. That people often think it is the job of the institution to develop a love for the subject in the student’s mind. I feel I am already obsessed with the topic [of storytelling], and that I want to be able to widen my knowledge-base; to have a myriad of material available to me in my mind to intermingle with my art, my stories; whether they be in written, musical, or visual form. My life will be one big storytelling experience. Education will feed my passion and will not create it. Education is simply like the male emperor penguin, and not the female. [I thought I was being poetic there, because the female penguin gives birth to the egg, which is then incubated by the male.]
Thus it is almost as though the field [of study] is unimportant in the grand scheme of things… everything can be treated as new material; can be ingested as new material to be regurgitated into the stories.
Trust that you want what you are seeking, it’s in your nature not to feel confident about the methods in which you are pursuing the dream, but this will get you closer, in mind and knowledge, if not in the physical representation of the dream. which you will achieve when you are ready. Broaden the mind. That is what you are supposed to do now.
The resurrection of this message is very timely for me right now as I’m struggling to remember why it is I moved all the way to London in pursuit of a career that I don’t know how to begin. I’m sitting here struggling to discover theorists who can support the essays that I’m meant to be writing for my Masters in Contemporary Performance Making program instead of being the contemporary artist making the performances. But, of course, I know better than this. “Trusting the journey” is something I’ve taught my students time and time again, and now is one of those moments where I’ve got to put my money where my mouth is and trust that where I am is where I need to be, in order for me to reach wherever it is I am going.
Scary stuff, to be honest. But if my students listened to it… why shouldn’t I?